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Fridays Are Beautiful

26 Aug

A toddler in a pageant; text reads: "Eden's favourite food is everything..."A toddler in a pageant; text reads, "... and her ambition is to rule the world."This past week, I wrote over on Orange the Brave about the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras.  I don’t watch the show myself, but I get uncomfortable criticizing the girls on the pageant circuit because like… they’re girls.  All girls deserve respect.  And clearly, some of them are having a freaking good time and are little spitfire individuals.  Gotta love that a pageant kid’s favorite food is “everything.”

I have felt kind of under the weather all week, and have not felt too productive, so I don’t have much to share with you.  Instead, I’ll just cross-post a true story that I originally shared on Tumblr:

This morning at work, I was hit with the undeniable urge to pee.  This happens every few hours for me – you know, I have to pee.  Every few hours.  And because I had to pee, I went to the bathroom.

Let me tell you something about the ladies’ room at my office – it is a mixed fucking bag.  There are usually no less than five silverfish, creeping along in that almost viscous way they do, stark against the white tile floor.  One must hold the handle on both of the toilets in order for whatever one has just evacuated to be flushed away, and because of this, I often discover “surprises” waiting for me.

So when I tell you that I walked into the bathroom to be greeted by the foulest stench I have ever encountered, know that I have happened upon toilet bowls full of menstrual blood, vomit, and shit of every consistency in that bathroom – and none of that smelled as rancid as it smelled this morning.

Being the good citizen that I am, I hastened to flush away whatever was causing the offending stench.  In the first stall, I lifted the lid on the toilet, and saw only clear water.  In the second stall, I opened the lid, and found what I was looking for.

It was pee.  It wasn’t particularly dark, but a bit more day-glo than I am used to – the urine of someone who consumes a lot of vitamins or glow sticks.  But what sickened me even more than the smell had already done was the fact that there was no paper mellowing in the toilet.  Just pee.

Considering where I work, it’s very unlikely that a man would pee in a ladies’ room.  I have to assume, then, that it was a woman who was responsible for the piss.  A woman who deigned to wipe her snatch.  A woman who, even now, must have traces of the rankest smelling urine on the planet drying in the crotch of her cotton panties.  And ye shall know her by her odor.

Have a beautiful and odor-free weekend!

[Image Source]


Fridays Are Precious

12 Aug

[Image description: A still from the movie “Precious” where Precious is sitting on the bus, looking listlessly out the window, and Gollum (yup – from LOTR) is creepily clinging to the outside… watching her…]

Welcome to my first Fab Friday installment.  That’s a totally awful name for it, but I was in a hurry to come up with something, and there’s nothing that expresses happy-go-lucky and fancy-free like alliteration.  HENCE!

Fab Fridays are devoted to self-promotion, which is something I’m trying to be better at.  So this is where I’m going to link to what I’ve been doing around the interwebz.  And also where I’ll share something goofy with you.  See above.

So this week marked the launch of Orange the Brave, a collablog my good friend Eld founded and edits.  The blog is focused on acts of resistance and we’re hoping will eventually be a big, collaborative work featuring diverse content from a diverse group of contributors.  We’re still in very early days yet, so if you want in, now’s a great time!  Benefits include getting your work seen by a wider audience, helping to grow something awesome from scratch, and putting up a good fight against the kyriarchy.  If you’re interested in becoming a regular contributor, or even having your work featured just once or twice, shoot an email to orangethebrave@gmail(dot)com or contact me, and we’ll get the ball rolling!

In other Orange the Brave-related news, I have a new post over there called “Quick Hit: ‘Loving My Body Almost Killed Me'” about Jess Weiner’s recent article in Glamour.  In one of my more brilliant moments (they come few and far between), I dish out this tasty nugget:

The diet industry relies on shame to be profitable.  It tries to make you feel shitty enough to spend your hard-earned money on a product which, let’s face it, probably isn’t going to work anyway.  But now, they’ve got this extra ammo.  Not only are they going to make you feel ugly, they have testimony from a formerly proud fatty that says that all of that self-esteem you’ve worked so hard to earn IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!

I’m actually pretty proud of this piece, and am humbled by the reaction I’ve received from it.  Please note that I’ve tagged this piece with a trigger warning for the discussion of disordered eating.

And that’s really it for now!  Won’t it be exciting when I have more stuff to share?  Remember, I’m totally available for guest posting/commentating/vlogging/podcasting (I even have a decent mic for it, yo!), so you should contact me about that!

Also, remember that you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Delicious.

Okay!  Self-promotion completed.  Hope your weekend is as precious as your Friday has been!

[Image Source]