Your Daily* Dose of WTF?: Do Not Fear Chaz Bono

8 Sep

I’m pretty confused about the reaction to the recent news that Chaz Bono will appear on “Dancing With the Stars” this upcoming season.  You see the same thing when people get all huffy about their children being potentially exposed to homosexuality.  It’s just baffling to me.  The only conclusion I can draw is that the people who are afraid of exposing their kids to anyone who isn’t heterosexual or cisgender are misinformed about a few things.

I think I’ve managed to identify some of the fears people are experiencing, so I’d like to address them now:

Gay and transgender people do have self-control.

I figure that one of the reasons that parents might be averse to seeing gay and transgender people on television is because they’re afraid that, before they’re able to clap their hands over their children’s eyes, someone is going to whip out a riding crop and a ball gag and initiate a primetime fuckfest.  I’m guessing that some people mistakenly think that gay and transgender people are unable to stop themselves from having amazing, kinky sex all the time.

Well, parents, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to worry – that’s not going to happen.  Gay and transgender people are, in fact, able to curb their insatiable sexual appetites, and I can guarantee that you will not see hardcore gay sex on network television.  I cannot, however, guarantee that you won’t be treated to softcore fake lesbian sex on Cinemax after midnight.

The words “gay” and “transgender” really don’t have much to do with sex.

Donkey punch.  Strawberry milkshake.  Angry dragon.  Hot Carl.  Dirty Sanchez.  Blumpkin.  Cleveland steamer.  Alabama Hot Pocket.  These are all sex things.  Notice that this list does not include “gay” or “transgender,” as they are not sex things (notice also that this list has quite a bit to do with poop – COINCIDENCE????).

What’s wrong with sex?

I mean, even if sexuality and gender expression were sex things, what’s wrong with that?  Of course I would never argue that you should show your four-year-old porn, but you know – it’s just sex.  I mean, I think even the most conservative among us look back at ye olde Puritans, who used to like, flog themselves if they even moaned during intercourse, and we think that’s ridiculous.  I mean, we don’t inflict self-harm on ourselves (much) anymore as a punishment for enjoying sex (I mean, unless you’re into that kind of thing… but I have a feeling that if you are, I’m not really talking to you), but we still treat sex like it’s wrong and evil and corrupting.

All right, I’m going to stop evangelizing about my utopian sex-party society where people have sex and do it without shame.  But seriously, what’s wrong with sex?  And why can’t kids know about it?  And why is sexuality discouraged in children (and no, I don’t mean intercourse, but two-year-olds stick their hands down their pants, and we shake our fingers at them)?  Do you have a good reason for this, because I don’t.  But seriously, raise your kids however you want – I’m not a breeder, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

That’s not how a television works.

When I was a kid, I used to kind of hope that there were tiny people living inside video cassettes who acted out that Fraggle Rock Christmas special my mom had taped for me.  I mean, I knew that wasn’t the case, but I kind of hoped that it was.

As an adult, I still don’t understand how television works, but I’m fairly positive that there aren’t really people inside the TV, and contrary to what I learned from “Poltergeist,” one cannot be sucked into a television (and it’s especially less likely now that tube televisions are obsolete), nor can the people on your TV screen jump out and hang out with you (I’ve tested this also, but no matter how much I begged, Alexander Skarsgård remained in “True Blood” with Anna Paquin – that bitch).  So, knowing all of this, I can tell you, with a moderate degree of certainty, that no one – gay, straight, transgender, cisgender, or anything else – is going to jump out of your TV, suck you into it, or otherwise pass their sexuality or gender identity onto you or your children through your television set.  We don’t yet have the technology.

Oh, and also, sexuality and gender dysphoria are not communicable.  I looked it up.  You can’t catch gay.

Well, that’s it.  I hope this has served to allay some of your fears about Chaz Bono strutting his ass on DWTS.  If I didn’t have an irrational fear of Tom Bergeron, I might actually watch.  But I do.  So I won’t.


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