Fridays Are Beautiful

26 Aug

A toddler in a pageant; text reads: "Eden's favourite food is everything..."A toddler in a pageant; text reads, "... and her ambition is to rule the world."This past week, I wrote over on Orange the Brave about the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras.  I don’t watch the show myself, but I get uncomfortable criticizing the girls on the pageant circuit because like… they’re girls.  All girls deserve respect.  And clearly, some of them are having a freaking good time and are little spitfire individuals.  Gotta love that a pageant kid’s favorite food is “everything.”

I have felt kind of under the weather all week, and have not felt too productive, so I don’t have much to share with you.  Instead, I’ll just cross-post a true story that I originally shared on Tumblr:

This morning at work, I was hit with the undeniable urge to pee.  This happens every few hours for me – you know, I have to pee.  Every few hours.  And because I had to pee, I went to the bathroom.

Let me tell you something about the ladies’ room at my office – it is a mixed fucking bag.  There are usually no less than five silverfish, creeping along in that almost viscous way they do, stark against the white tile floor.  One must hold the handle on both of the toilets in order for whatever one has just evacuated to be flushed away, and because of this, I often discover “surprises” waiting for me.

So when I tell you that I walked into the bathroom to be greeted by the foulest stench I have ever encountered, know that I have happened upon toilet bowls full of menstrual blood, vomit, and shit of every consistency in that bathroom – and none of that smelled as rancid as it smelled this morning.

Being the good citizen that I am, I hastened to flush away whatever was causing the offending stench.  In the first stall, I lifted the lid on the toilet, and saw only clear water.  In the second stall, I opened the lid, and found what I was looking for.

It was pee.  It wasn’t particularly dark, but a bit more day-glo than I am used to – the urine of someone who consumes a lot of vitamins or glow sticks.  But what sickened me even more than the smell had already done was the fact that there was no paper mellowing in the toilet.  Just pee.

Considering where I work, it’s very unlikely that a man would pee in a ladies’ room.  I have to assume, then, that it was a woman who was responsible for the piss.  A woman who deigned to wipe her snatch.  A woman who, even now, must have traces of the rankest smelling urine on the planet drying in the crotch of her cotton panties.  And ye shall know her by her odor.

Have a beautiful and odor-free weekend!

[Image Source]

2 Responses to “Fridays Are Beautiful”

  1. Gene August 26, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Lol! I’ll admit to being a prude about discussing bathroom habits, even with my boyfriend (I publicly firmly cling to the pretense that women don’t evacuate anything other than rainbows and unicorns), but I have to say that college disavowed me of the notion that women are generally more clean and hygienic than men.

    The freshman dorm women’s bathroom was a den of bacterial iniquity — tampons and pads (used) laying on the floor, perfectly working unflushed toilets, condoms (also secondhand) in there. Who the hell but a stink kinkster would want to get their groove on in that place? When I graduated (thankfully having lived off campus for the last two years) I wrote in the evaluation section of “What would improve this school” that the janitor staff should be paid far more for their trouble — or that all students who live in the dorms are obligated, under the supervision of janitorial staff, to clean the bathrooms on a surprise rotating schedule. Grow up and at least keep a shared bathroom clean!

    • Megan E. King August 26, 2011 at 10:21 am #

      Huh, I guess I was lucky. My sophomore year, I shared a bathroom with only two other girls – all of whom were pretty diligent about keeping it clean. My first year of college, however, I shared a community potty with at least fifteen other girls, and I never remember it getting dirty, either. But that was like, a long time ago and stuff. I could be remembering it incorrectly. To be honest, I’m a little squeamish about doing my “rainbows and unicorns” in a public bathroom, so I don’t know how I managed that first year, because I honestly do not remember pooping – I mean unicorning – at all. Perhaps I repressed the memory.

      However, I worked at a Borders in downtown Chicago for over two years. While I have smelled some nasty things in the bathroom at my current job, nothing compares to the horrors I experienced in the bathroom at Borders on State Street. One of the security guards told me that he’d seen pubic lice crawling around on the floor, we caught people fucking in the handicapped stalls (we were nice enough to let them finish before having them removed), had to clean up “artwork” on the walls (medium: shit), and once, we found an unopened bottle of acid-green Boone’s Farm hanging out casually beneath the sinks.

      Now, that was all certainly grosser than what I experienced yesterday, but – I swear to The Blob – none of it smelled as bad. And that’s a fact.

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