It has been pointed out to me that, while I said that I would be adhering to a posting schedule, I have not exactly followed through. Now, the manners that my mother raised me on dictate that I ought to apologize (though really, I’m only sorry that I was admonished for my slacktitude), and then spend the next few days listing all of the ways in which I am inadequate in my internal monologue, and then spend a year in therapy undoing all of the damage I’ve done to my psyche.
But last night, I sat on the phone for an hour with my mother, and while a good portion of that time was spent howling and wailing about all of the ways she fucked up my childhood and, by extension, ruined THE REST OF MY FREAKIN’ LIFE, another part of it was spent discussing the contenders for the Republican presidential nomination, and whether our uteruseses (uteri?) will compel us to vote for Palin or Bachmann (in case you didn’t know, my ideologies become moot when a woman runs for office – or at least that’s the logic McCain used when he selected Palin for a running mate in 2008 – TRUFAX!).
So I decided that instead of doing my usual apology/self-flagellation rigmarole, I’d take a page out of some of my favorite politicians’ playbooks, and offer some good, old-fashioned political non-apologies. Because if it’s good enough for the nation, it’s good enough for the three of you who read my blog!
Governor Mark Sanford – “It’s not that I slacked off and failed to prepare a column, you guys. I was
fucking my mistress HIKING! That’s the ticket! I was totally hiking.”
President Bill Clinton – “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘schedule’ is.”
Congressman Anthony Weiner – “Look, maybe somebody hacked my WordPress account and instituted that posting schedule. I mean, I can’t say with any certitude that that posting schedule is even mine. No, no – we don’t need to get the FBI involved or anything.”
President Richard Nixon – “I am not a slacker.”
Further, I apologize for not being terribly creative about the political scandals I chose to poke fun at. It just seemed like a bit of a stretch to try to spin Iran-Contra so it would be about my little ol’ blog. :)
Seriously – I’m sorry about slacking. I’m planning on skipping this week’s column, because over the weekend, I wrote not one, but two pieces on atheism, and that kind of leached all of my righteous indignation for a couple of days.
So! I apologize to you, faithful readers, for not upholding my posting schedule, and, in true political form, I am hereby making a pledge to do better in the future (my fingers are crossed, by the way).